Motherhood can be a difficult experience, especially when you suffer from postpartum depression and anxiety. That was the case for Chrissy Teigen, who gave birth to her daughter, Luna Simone last April. The model and TV host penned a revealing essay on how her life changed after she and husband John Legend became parents.
You would never imagine her suffering since she’s always pictured smiling and joking with her husband on social media, but postpartum is something that many women hide, and some do it very well. “Getting out of bed to get to set on time was painful. My lower back throbbed; my shoulders—even my wrists—hurt. I didn’t have an appetite. I would go two days without a bite of food, and you know how big of deal food is for me,” says Teigen to Glamour.
Postpartum symptoms can vary from mother to mother and the list is quite extensive. One of the symptoms is that women find themselves being more moody and emotional and that can make ordinary tasks more challenging.
“One thing that really got me was just how short I was with people. I would be in my dressing room, sitting in a robe, getting hair and makeup done, and a crew member would knock on the door and ask: ‘Chrissy, do you know the lyrics of the song?’ And I would lose it. Or ‘Chrissy, do you like these cat ears, or these panda hands?’ And I’d be like: ‘Whatever you want. I don’t care.’ They would leave. My eyes would well up, and I would burst into tears. My makeup artist would pat them dry and give me a few minutes.” Teigen shares.
“I couldn’t figure out why I was so unhappy. I blamed it on being tired and possibly growing out of the role. ‘Maybe I’m just not a goofy person anymore. Maybe I’m just supposed to be a mom.’”
Most women who suffer from postpartum don’t want to leave the house or their new baby. Many feel so overwhelmed that they forget to shower, to eat, and even sleep.
“When I wasn’t in the studio, I never left the house. I mean never. Not even a tiptoe outside. I’d ask people who came inside why they were wet. Was it raining? How would I know—I had every shade closed,” she says.
She had a spot on the couch where she would lay and her husband would sleep on the couch with her, sometimes four nights in a row. Teigen even kept robes and comfy clothes in the pantry so she wouldn’t have to go upstairs and there was a lot of spontaneous crying.
She finally visited her doctor and that’s when she realized that every symptom that her doctor told her about postpartum, she had. “My doctor pulled out a book and started listing symptoms. And I was like, ‘Yep, yep, yep.’ I got my diagnosis: postpartum depression and anxiety. (The anxiety explains some of my physical symptoms.)”
Luckily, her husband was with her every step of the way. “He’s exactly as compassionate, patient, loving, and understanding as he seems,” she writes of Legend. “I’m grateful for the people around me. John has been incredible over the last nine months, bringing me my medicine and watching horrible reality TV with me. He is not the goofiest guy, but he has gone out of his way to indulge my sense of humor. When I was having a good day, he would go to Medieval Times with me and put on the crazy period hat! He sees how much my eyes light up when he does that stuff, and he knows that’s what I need. I know he must look over at times and think: My God, get it together. But he has never made me feel that way. He wants me to be happy, silly, and energetic again, but he’s not making me feel bad when I’m not in that place.”
Teigen has always shared her life with her husband on social media and this subject was no exception. “Postpartum does not discriminate. I couldn’t control it. And that’s part of the reason it took me so long to speak up: I felt selfish, icky, and weird saying aloud that I’m struggling. Sometimes I still do,” says Teigen.
“I’m speaking up now because I want people to know it can happen to anybody, and I don’t want people who have it to feel embarrassed or to feel alone,’ she says. “I also don’t want to pretend like I know everything about postpartum depression because it can be different for everybody. But one thing I do know is that — for me — just merely being open about it helps.”
“I love John and Luna more than I can imagine loving anything, and John and I still hope to give Luna a few siblings,” she says. “Postpartum hasn’t changed that.” You can check out the rest of Teigen’s essay on the April 14th issue of Glamour.